Last night, whilst I was asleep, I watched my Grandad die in his favourite chair.
It’s been 4 years since he passed away. My life around Christmas since has never been enjoyable. I still find hard to accept that everyone else gets to have a happy Christmas but I don’t.
I always lose things closest to me around Christmas.
Hmmm, it was snowing on my home page.
Anyway, I actually had some quite vivid dreams last night. They were broken up between me waking up and the first one, which felt exceptionally “epic” is the one I remember the least of.
Here’s what I do remember.
The whole dream was basically an expedition of some sort, or at least it felt like it. A lot of trekking through dense forests (I dream about forests a lot) with “Christmas” fern/pine trees. Lots of dark earthy browns and dark greens. Tom is in it but what I remember of the bits with him is sharing a tend at night (nothing kinky, just cuddles) and hiking. The dream really felt like we were on some sort of a mission, as though this hiking had a purpose. I think there were other people with us, but I totally can’t remember much more then that.
My second dream, seems to follow the same trend. The first half though is set in an office. The setting reminds me of my work epxerience, but not really (if that makes sense?). There are people there I know but I can’t remember them. I remeber this one scene as the space around shifts. A girl is jealous of me (I think) and she tries to make me look like an asshole to her boyfriend(?). So although I’m out the room (with her boyfriend, whoever he is) she sits on my sleeping bag near her bed and writes a letter as though I have written it, but even though I’m out of the room it’s like my subconcious is there watching her and knows what she is doing is laughing that I’m in the other room with her man (or maybe he isn’t her man, she might just be jealous of me and this bloke?). Anyway, the dream shifts again and it’s back to this expedition theme and I’m with I presume this girl and some other people and we’re to find something that Lucy (random!) has left in this church. What we’re looking for is a jumper, but myself and the person I go looking for this jumper with (an old mate from school who I haven’t seen in years!) knows that Lucy has hidden a treasure with this jumper that we need to find. It turns out this church is extremely old and partially falling down. It’s still a tourist attraction but there’s lots of “scaffolding” everywhere, but it’s not metal scaffolding, but lots of rickety wooden structures. Anyway, we run up this wooden structure that takes us to the second floor but where we need to get to is almost impossible to reach as the floor has totally fallen away. So myself and the friend I am with have to climb across this structure that looks like it is made from sticks or extremely large wooden scewers that falls away as we climb across. I follow her as we scale walls until eventually we reach this area that looks like a Victorian living room with large leather sofas. We find the jumper and the “treasure” (which I can’t remember what it is) just before this girl and her partner make it up there.
And that’s it really. Weird.
I had a WEIRD dream last night. It made me sad! Baaaaaaasically. I was at my Grandparents house, but it didn’t feel like I was there visiting them, (my Grandad was alive in this dream, I remember him, in the background, sitting in his favourite armchair – my Nan not present at all), it felt more… social, like I lived there or was used to always living there. All the focus seemed to be on the fact that Sam, of ALL people, was there, in the other armchair, talking to me. It’s weird because I’ve NEVER had a proper conversation with him, and that was reflected in the dream. He was acting like, well, how I’ve usually come across him, with his feet up, relaxing on a sofa. And although we were having a “conversation” it didn’t feel like he was much involved, which is pretty much all I know of him. But there was something different, because although he wasn’t involved, I was getting strong vibes that he was more interested in me that I cared for! Woops.
The dream shifts and I am in a different house. It’s a student house. I don’t recognise it (my subconcious totally maked this place up), but I know that it’s Tom’s student house. I’m downstairs sitting at a wooden kitchen table which is against the large staircase in the large hallway and there are lots of people around – Tom’s friends (but I don’t see faces – I just know). Tom isn’t around, he’s upstairs. Sam is there again, briefly, still giving off those “vibes” and he get s a bit “playful” and pinches my nose but I move away because I don’t like how “fresh” (love that phrase) he’s getting, plus I’m aware that his girlfriend (although she is his ex in my dream??) is present with her friends nearby and is watching. Sam leaves and I can overhear the conversation amongst them and they are making me the blame for them splitting up (though that isn’t true) and claim that he and I are cheating, when in fact it’s just jealousy. I try and defend myself but am outnumbered by a group of bitchy girls and resort to running away upstairs to find Tom as I am terrified they are going to spread lies about me. I find him standing at the top of the stairs looking startled. It’s more because he is confused about why I look so distraught, but there’s also an air of skepticism, as when I fall into his arms and bury my face into his chest and start to cry, he makes not attempt to put his arms around me, comfort me or ask what is wrong.
At this point, clearly freaking myself out, I wake up naturally.
The whole dream felt like it was watched through a filter that made everything feel dark. Quite fitting I think! It was not a nice dream! It made me feel really sad!
SUCH a random dream last night! I only wish I had time to post it before I went to work as I can’t remember the smooth runnings of it! Only bits and pieces here and there!
But generally, it looked like it was set in (sort of) my uni campus, but more buildings that looked like The Mansion, and the swimming pool wasn’t surrounded by a fence, was closer to the building and was raised as opposed to in a dip. An old school friend was the main focus, but for some reason this dream felt like I was taking part in an episode of Even Stevens! Anyway, the big deal about this dream had something to do with my New Rocks being stolen by this old school friend, and something to do with radio, tricking him and getting them back. It was all very strange! I wish I could remember it perfectly!
Yes, yes, I know it’s been a while since I last updated! Well in all honesty I haven’t been dreaming that much, until about a week ago, when all my dreams came at once, and each night, and because I haven’t had time to type them up I’ve forgotten half of them, sadly.
I remember one dream containing “santa” the uni bus driver, who was actually driving a big red bus, who was willing to act like a cab, and drop myself, Ameena and some other girl to our desired destinations. The other girl lived through this thicket (is that the right word?) of trees, to a place that sort of looked like… I duno. Parts of Chase Farm for some reason. I don’t remember much more of that.
I know I’ve had other dreams but I can’t remember them.
Ahh. I’m listening to a chooooon.
“You’re the closest to heaven that I’ve ever been…”
I keep lagging in remembering to post about what dreams I’ve had. I know I’ve had two/three good ones recently and I can only remember the one of them, which I woke up feeling stiff.
I’ll set the scene first.
It’s in my old primary school, in the playground, which, from the perspective of a 4-5 year old, was quite large and open spaced (although in my dreams everything feels wide and distorted). Big trees used to line the walls and had benches around them, which is the main focus on my dream. Which, as a warning to anyone who stumbles across this, is only a dream! It’s not real, so… uh, don’t get offended 
The playground is empty, and I am standing by the wooden “bus” plaything with my Nan. Out of nowhere, my eldest brother walks into view, sits on the tree bench and stuffs something underneath it. I go over and snatch the package he is trying to hide away from him. It’s drugs. I go mental. He confesses that he’s been dealing in drugs for money. His Fiancee comes onto the scene; she’s been doing it as well. I’m furious. I tell my Mum, but she doesn’t seem to care.
I’m now in my room stressing, as my criminal brother is in the house. I know I can’t live here anymore and I’m stressing about what to do. My Nan comes up and shuts the door and talks to me in hushed tones, telling me that I have to secretly leave the house and run away. She tells me to go to her place (which in real life is only down the road!) and she’ll take things from there. She leaves and I rush to gather bags together, and start to pack away all of my things that I think necessary to bring. I start to imagine (in my dream) where I’m going to travel, if I have enough money on my Oyster, and what I’m going to do once at my Nans. I woke up soon after.
There was a lot of stress on the excitement of adventure, of that feeling you get up your spine when sneaking around, worried someone is right behind you. I think that’s what made me wake up tense!
In brief, my dream started off out shopping with my Mum. We were in H&M and there were loads of people walking around playing hand held games. It was like a craze and I wanted one. So we looked everywhere around H&M, and went downstairs where I got distracted by slogan t-shirts (and particularly one with Ghost Rider on it).
Dream morphs and I’m in my house. It’s a sunny day and I’m in my garden, except my garden looks different. The side fences are there but the back fence isn’t, instead it’s open and there is a forest of some sorts there. I’m at the back top of my garden before the fold of trees and I’m with people, who I can’t properly identify but I know are vampires. There is something significant about what is happening. I look through the trees looking for something. A waterfall? And take pictures, but the pictures are of large tree roots and broken trees. I’m not sitting on the grass with the vampires and my Dad comes up to his shed, smiles at me and gets something from inside, but things are hanging up in there, like merchandise in a shop. No garden tools. Next I quickly go into my house for something, and the next instant I look out my window and everywhere is covered in snow. I look down to the garden to see my parents outside and my brother, who is shoveling snow off the path.
Next I’m at my front door, but it’s sunny again, hot, (I’m in summer clothes, a loose blouse and rolled up trousers) and my parents and brother are going out (there is still thick snow, but on my doorstep, around me, is like summer). I wave them off, and my Mum asks if I have my keys. I says yes, but shut the front door. Laugh and say “silly me! I’ve shut myself out! They keys are inside!” so my Mum has to come back over from the car to let me in.
Then I woke.
Well, it felt nice not having to do those newspapers by myself, but I don’t know, I think I was expecting more from my day off. It was nice to “sleep in”, but I was awake by 9 o’clock anyway. I got the chance to see my Nan whom I haven’t seen for a while.
I… felt a bit pants the other day. Emotionally, it seems things have been building up inside of me. I’m glad I was on my own when they ran out of space =\
It’s just, I’ve come to realise, that everything has become an effort. I couldn’t be bothered to get out of bed in the morning anymore. I lay there, wanting to turn over and sleep my time away, so I don’t have to face the day. I’ve not felt like that in a while. I worry about what will happen in the day, and just give up before I’ve even bothered to face it.
I can’t really describe in so many words exactly how I feel. Vulnerable, mostly. I don’t take things as lighthearted as I used to. And I frequently revisit this feeling that I need to be looked after. My inner self is small and cowering.
I don’t feel as secure as I used to. This year has been such a whirlwind for me socially, and don’t get me wrong I’m even impressed myself that I’m not as much of a social reject as I used to be. I’ve grown up! How about that?! But although I know I should be enjoying myself, I can’t seem to. I have a fricking awesome time at Innerpartysystem. I really needed something like that since my last concert was Nightwish over 4 years ago… But even after that this horrible, horrible feeling loomed over my head and refused to let me fully enjoy myself.
I want to be happy, but something internally isn’t let me and I don’t what it is, or why or how I can stop it.
So when I try I just seem to be looking forwards and upwards and be walking up a down escalator.
I always imagine this hand tapping me on the shoulder and I look up and they take my small hand in their warm big one and pull me up off the floor and with it this metaphorical shroud of problems falls off my shoulders and is left on the floor as I’m guided away…
Gads. How do I stop the constriction in my chest? How do I stop me from living inside my head? How do I stop myself from being such an easy target? How do I make myself strong again? How can I let myself be happy?
How?
Do you ever feel like you’re being held back? Like, you’re really struggling to move forwards? You can easily point the blame at anything and anyone for the reason you’re still stuck in the boring miserable position you’re still in, but really, the only person who is holding yourself back is yourself.
I’m not really sure where this dream starts off, but I remember being in a strange version of my bedroom, but back when it had two beds in it. Anyway, I’m there with a friend (female, but I can’t put a face to the name). I’m also there with some hot dude who keeps cuddling up to me (score!). Anyway, after some lounging around, I go over to the window where there are these string vest tops handing up on the wall (all the same but different sizes), and I go to find my size (like a shop) but they had a size nine (which totally doesn’t exist) and a ten. I hold it up against me to see if it will fit/look nice and the dude comes over and leans on my shoulder telling me it will look nice. The dream sort of morphs again and it’s night time, and I’m walking home with the dude. We reach these traffic lights (that are in my town) and he goes off one way and I continue across the road where this is this cat. It starts to meow at me so I scratch it behind the ears, and then a small kitten comes bounding out of nowhere. Strangely… the cats can talk, and I find out they are homeless, that the mother had other babies but they didn’t make it. So I take them in my arms and continue home, but as I’m walking down this road there are two men there who try to stop me telling me those cats are theirs, but the cats are scared so I start to run away from them. The dream sort of morphs again and I’m “home” (though it looks nothing like my house) to find that I’m imprisoned there. I’d obviously been caught by those men.
Anyway, I run downstairs and out into the garden but stop, as there is some sort of ceremony set up. There is a sort of “stage” with lots of flowers bordering it, and people dressed in black. All the people look at me and someone comes over looking very solemn, but I have no idea why. They put an arm around me and tell me how upset I must be that “my love” had died. So I start to pretend cry and they take me back inside and I ask to be alone.
In the front room are all these boxes and I secretly start to go through them and find a pistol. I take it out and use it to escape. I run outside, and all these people try to stop me, so I fire the pistol at them, but this dart thing comes out (sort of like a poison dart I guess) and I manage to get down to the street where this huge lorry is parked and the two men from before are there. However at this point I stop because they have proper guns. I fire my darts at them but they don’t seem to work as before, but I get the chance to steal one of the guys guns and I fire it at them, but it fires out a stream of pins that although hit and stick in them, don’t really do anything.
Then I woke up!
Random dream! Esp. with the talking cats…
